Guidepost 10 — Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and Always in Control’
Is there any parent who can truly say they do not care about being perceived as “cool and always in control”? I doubt it.
As parents, we definitely care about our child's actions and how others may judge us, regardless of their age. I remember when my first baby was never happy in a car seat or bassinet. Every time we went out in those early months, the whole supermarket or mall knew we were coming. Did I mention she had lungs? Still does—the girl can be loud! Half the staff knew I was coming from the parking lot! What they didn't know was how uncomfortable and out of ‘control’ I felt, so much so that I developed a distaste for going out. At some point, I realised I had to stop pretending I had it all under "control" because, ultimately, the baby was just being a baby—expressing her dislike for being physically separated or preferring to be glued to my chest. Who knows? It's often a guessing game with babies! I often had racing thoughts like, "What will people think of that parent who doesn't know how to care for their child?" or "Why is that mother just shopping while her baby is crying?" or "Can you quiet your baby down? We're trying to have a peaceful time!" These thoughts were all tied to shame—the greatest gremlin of all time! In my case, it was the fear of being perceived as a bad mother.
Why am I sharing this? Because in my constant worry about appearing in control, in that moment, I shut myself off from the realities of being a mother. Thankfully, I learned something from my baby that has stuck with me for years: babies live fully in their soulful expression, and as adults, we need to reconnect with that part of ourselves.
Most parents, have had the privilege of witnessing their baby’s first reaction to music. Without hesitation, they move some part of themselves, if not their whole body, and enjoy the sound with full expression and contentment. There's no fear of being perceived as uncool or out of control. In fact, we encourage their freedom to experience the joy that musical sounds evoke in them. There's something spiritual and special about being in their presence as they self-express without self-protection or self-consciousness. Perhaps that's what makes it so special—witnessing such vulnerability without concern for judgment. So, what happened, if we all started from a place where we could experience song, dance, and laughter uninhibitedly?
Judgment (one of shame’s ingredients). At some point, when we were living in our soulful expression, for instance, dancing as our body felt like moving; we experienced an external negative opinion which was effectively another person judging us for being expressive. Slowly, a part of ourself began to erode as it became more important to ensure we remained palatable, in control, cool and fit-in. The reality is that, how I feel a song is different to how another person would — so why does another person’s opinion matter at all? The need to fit-in minimises how in touch we are with our vulnerability as we are more conscious of reducing the chances of being ridiculed, made fun of or left out.
Unfortunately, losing touch with our vulnerability doesn't just affect one aspect, like behaviour around laughter, song and dance; it can seep into other areas of life. For instance, instead of our child approaching activities with awe and innocent confidence, they become apprehensive, more alert to others' reactions than to their own feelings, leading to living with the pain of 'betraying the self' and nurturing the seed of shame.
To combat this, we, as parents, must grant ourselves permission to enjoy song and dance as we did in infancy or toddlerhood, and express our laughter together, not at each other. Granting ourselves this permission not only helps us reconnect with our soul but also allows us to give the same permission to our child as they grow. As Brené shares in this chapter, we can intentionally or unconsciously put someone down or ridicule them and/or shame them simply because they're doing something we don't permit ourselves to do—even if we love them. Easy to do as parents, albeit unconsciously.
To help myself with this, I have several pictures in the kitchen of myself and the children not 'being in control,' 'looking cool,' or 'well put together.' They often ask me what was happening in those pictures, and I talk about how we were dancing and singing around Christmas, and they burst out laughing, calling them 'silly faces.' I agree, and often have a song playing in the background that we all dance to while I do dishes or chores. I do this to let them associate those framed 'out of control' faces with joyous memories. I hope that even at their young age, the message is clear: we were just being expressive, and love was flowing.
I encourage you to do the same. Think back to when your child was very young, moments when they erupted in laughter or dance when a song played and allow yourself to be a child too. Get in touch with that feeling, such that whenever such moments arise for you and your child, stay in it with them. As uncomfortable as it may feel, it is worth it. You're simply rewriting your brain to accept the normalcy that once was.
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who could not hear the music.” Friedrich Nietzsche