Emotional Impact of Parental Fights

During a recent session, a client posed an intriguing question, prompting both introspection and consideration of their unique situation. The dialogue went as follows:

"My partner had been away for a week following an argument we had three days prior. It was the type of disagreement that resulted in hurtful comments from both sides, yet we hadn't addressed or resolved it before they left. While they were away, I enjoyed having the house to myself with the kids. Our child, Ali, had just started school that week, making the week feel rather smooth. However, when my partner returned on Friday, the serenity I felt quickly dissipated. 

After bringing Ali and Ash inside, the children began playing—until Ali accidentally rammed into Ash's foot with a scooter. Naturally, Ash sought comfort from my partner, reporting what Ali had done. My partner's immediate response was, 'No! Why are you telling on your sibling? You shouldn’t be trying to get them in trouble!' I was baffled by this perspective because Ash was simply sharing what happened after being hurt. I responded, 'Please don’t reprimand Ash for telling us what happened. I want to foster an environment where our children feel safe sharing their experiences both at school and at home.' My partner retorted, 'This isn’t about sharing. Ash is being manipulative, trying to get Ali in trouble, and I won’t allow it.' 

I felt at a loss because I didn’t interpret Ash’s actions as manipulative. I haven’t seen any evidence that suggests a child’s response in such a scenario is typically manipulative. Unfortunately, this discussion escalated and resurfaced our unresolved argument. My client then asked, 'Was I oblivious to a manipulative tactic?'”

I answered, "If everything occurred as you described, word for word, it doesn’t appear that Ash was being manipulative. While children can sometimes be clever and manipulative to achieve their own ends, this situation doesn’t seem to reflect that kind of intent as perceived by your partner. However, tell me, where was Ash during your disagreement?"

My client replied, "Ash found a new game to play while Ali began singing loudly."

"And what do you think was happening?" I inquired.

My client reflected, "Ash sought comfort in playing alone, and Ali sang to divert our attention from the argument."

"What do you make of that?" I continued.

With a deeper understanding, my client said, "In a moment when Ash was hurt, neither of us provided comfort because we were entangled in an argument that seemed more about proving who was right or wrong, even bringing up a past incident from a week ago. Ali’s singing was likely an attempt to redirect our focus. Instead of addressing Ash’s need for comfort and reassurance that Ali wouldn't hurt them again, we got sidetracked. I now wonder about the message that sent."

By the end of our session, my client realised that although their instincts were initially attuned to the situation, they had lost sight of what truly mattered in that moment.

Reflecting on this, I, too, have sometimes gotten caught up in irrelevant discussions, leaving my children to seek comfort or understanding elsewhere. While it's crucial for kids to learn to resolve some issues independently, parental arguments sparked by a child’s report can be more damaging than beneficial. They may perceive this as a negative consequence of speaking up, which could adversely impact their expression, listening, speaking, and emotional maturity.